47 Halloween jokes to make kids howl

Time again for another round of holiday jokes. This time, it's horrific Halloween howlers to share with the kids — or easily, cheesily amused adults.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

Because he had bat breath

What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

Wrap

When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

Ghoul-aid

What's a monster's favorite bean?

A human bean

Why are vampires tough to get along with?

Because they can be a pain in the neck

Where do ghosts like to dance?

Anywhere where they can boo-gie

Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

He had no body to dance with

Where do ghosts go when they're sick?

To the witch doctor

Why didn't the mummy have any friends?

Because he was too wrapped up in himself

What position does a ghost play in soccer?

Ghoulie

What are a ghost's favorite pants?

Boo jeans

What instrument do skeletons play?

Trom-bone

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

Because he is always a goblin

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A toasty ghosty

What was the favorite game at the ghosts' birthday party?

Hide and shriek

What do the birds sing on Halloween?

Trick or tweet

What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?

Dead ends

What do you call a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist

Why don't bats live alone?

They like to hang out with their friends

What do ghosts eat for breakfast?

Boo-berries

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?

When you’re a mouse

What food do vampires hate?

Steak

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch

Why are cemeteries loud?

Because of all the coffin

Why did the vampire go to the doctor?

To ask about his coffin

Why did the vampire flunk art class?

Because he could only draw blood

What can't you give the headless horseman?

A headache

Where should a 500-pound monster go?

On a diet

What's a ghost’s favorite dessert?

Boo-berry pie

What's a monster’s favorite desert?

I-scream

What type of dog does every vampire have?

Bloodhound

What did the skeleton order for dinner?

Spare ribs

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?

Lazy bones

Why do witches ride brooms?

Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord

What do you call a witch's garage?

A broom closet

What do you call two witches living together?

Broommates

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

Spelling

Why won't skeletons go see scary movies?

They don't have the guts

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?

The whatwolves, the whowolves and the whenwolves

Why didn't the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten

Why did the cyclops stop teaching?

Because he only had one pupil

Where do vampires keep their money?

The blood bank

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine

How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?

So long, sucker

What did the grandma ghost say to the grandson ghost?

You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!

Today's question:

When did you last dress up for Halloween (and what were you)?

Fourth of July jokes for kids

Time once again for some seasonal silliness to share with the (school-age) grandkids. This time it's giggles—plus a few groans—related to patriotism and our beloved Independence Day.

Why did the duck say bang?

Because he was a firequacker.

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing, it just waved.

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

Do they have a Fourth of July in England?

Of course, it’s the day between the third of July and the fifth of July.

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

Liber-tea!

What is Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?

Fire-crackers.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?

Dino-mite!

What ghost haunted King George III?

The spirit of ’76.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What do you call an American revolutionary who draws cartoons?

A Yankee Doodler.

What did Polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker.

What was George Washington’s favorite tree?

The infantry.

What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?

My pop's bigger than your pop.

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?

Because she can’t sit down.

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?

They’re both cracked.

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts.

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British.

What did a patriot put on his dry skin?

Revo-lotion.

Why does Uncle Sam wear red, white and blue suspenders?

To hold up his pants.

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?

Chicken Catch-a-Tory.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.

And a bonus giggle for the crafty grandmas:

What famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A wreath o’ Franklin.

Today's question:

What are your family's Fourth of July traditions?

50 eggs-tra silly Easter jokes

Valentine's Day may still be visible in the rear-view mirror, and St. Patrick's Day is just around the bend. But Easter will be here sooner than we think, meaning now is prime time for memorizing some Easter jokes to share with the kids. Here are 50 to get the ball, er, Easter egg rolling.

Why did the Easter egg hide?

He was a little chicken.

How does the Easter Bunny travel?

By hare plane.

How do you catch the Easter Bunny?

Hide in a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

Why are people tired in April?

Because they just finished a march.

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?

Two points, just like the other basketball players.

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

Only one. After that, it’s no longer empty.

How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?

EGG-xercise and HARE-robics.

How does Easter end?

With the letter R.

What kind of plants do Easter eggs grow?

Eggplants.

How do you make a rabbit stew?

Make it wait for three hours.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Esther

Esther who?

Esther Bunny.

Why did the old man put the Easter Bunny on his head?

Because he had no hare.

How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?

He said it was eggs-cellent.

What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that sat in the sun too long?

A runny bunny.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking good?

With a hare brush.

What do you get if you cross a bee and a bunny?

A honey bunny.

What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?

A smarty pants.

What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?

The Easter Bunana.

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?

A funny bunny.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.

What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?

An Easter egg rolling down the hill.

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?

With a hare dryer.

Why should you never tell an Easter egg a joke?

It might crack up.

How does a rabbit keep his fur in place?

With hare spray.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny.

Why did the bunny go to the dance?

To do the bunny hop.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rabbit?

An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

How are rabbits like calculators?

They both multiply really fast.

What kinds of bedtime stories do bunnies like?

Ones with hoppy endings.

What kind of music does the Easter Bunny like?

Hip hop.

What do you call a sleeping Easter egg?

Egg-zosted.

What did the rabbits do after their wedding?

Went on their bunnymoon.

How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?

Hoppy Easter.

If a rooster layed an egg on top of a hill, which side would it roll down?

Neither, roosters don’t lay eggs.

What kinds of beans never grow in a garden?

Jelly beans.

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

He was having a bad hare day.

What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite restaurant?

IHOP.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?

Join the Hare Force.

What days do eggs hate the most?

Fry-days.

How do rabbits say good-bye to carrots?

It's been nice gnawing you!

What do you call the Easter Bunny after Easter?

Tired.

Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?

Because it has four rabbit’s feet.

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?

A bunion.

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.

What do you call an Easter egg from outer space?

An Egg-stra terrestial.

What do you call a dumb bunny?

A hare brain.

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

Just look for the gray hares.

Plus, one especially for the grandpas:

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hareline.

This post linked to Grandparents Say It Saturday.

Today's question:

How do you like your eggs (sunny-side up, etc)?