Help wanted: Shattering the grandma stereotype

Do you feel marginalized, ignored, stereotyped when it comes to your role as a grandparent? Are you fed up with brands presenting erroneous and ageist advertisements that mock grandmas in unrealistic and ridiculous ways (how many times can we stomach the unoriginal, "this ain't your grandma's whatever" in an ad?) or brands that completely ignore grandmas in their marketing efforts?

I'm fed up with both. I'm especially fed up with the stereotyping of grandmas across the board, not just by ignorant brands, but by any and all in the media who think grandmas are nothing but old grannies sitting in their rockers, knitting their lives away. I'm talking about those perpetuating the myth that grandmothers look like this...

(screenshot of Google result)... instead of this...

Those are real, live grandmas above, a sampling of the grandmas I've featured as Grilled Grandmas here on Grandma's Briefs. If those lovely, vibrant women are what grandmas look like, why does a Google search for "grandma" result in — at the very top of the list — the inaccurate caricatures I show in the screenshot above? Gah... the frustration.

You've heard me complain about this in the past, especially by way of my The grandma in a box post I published here a while back. There has been some progress made since I wrote that post nearly a year ago. For one thing, The grandma in a box was named in the 2013 BlogHer Voices of the Year as the People's Choice selection in the humor category. That post and I — along with 99 other well-deserving bloggers and their works — will be honored in the VOTY Community Keynote and Cocktail Reception Friday evening, hosted by none other than Queen Latifah. (Does that mean I get to shake her hand, hear her call my name, find out if she read my post? I don't know... but I'll share with you what I find out!)

That post is my fed-up-grandma story, though, and I want to hear your story, want to consider ways in which grandmothers and grandfathers may feel marginalized, left out, stereotyped, especially by brands, in advertisements and otherwise. I want to keep those things in mind while at BlogHer the end of this week, possibly even share a few of your stories and suggestions with the brands I connect with, in hopes the erroneous and outdated grandma stereotype will be shattered, that brands big and small will get that the grandparent demographic — grandmas and grandpas — matters... and carries with it a large amount of disposable income they spend regularly on themselves and their loved ones.

We all have a unique story, all have ways we relish being a grandparent, as well as ways we feel the title gets in the way when people look at us, consider us. I want to hear about the latter from you, today — your gripes and complaints about the grandma stereotype. I'd like to add your story to my story, carry it with me as I do my best to represent grandparent bloggers at BlogHer.

Sure, there will be other grandma bloggers at the conference, but I'm not sure how many will be proudly waving the grandma flag. I plan to proudly wave that flag in hopes of making you proud, in hopes of making things even just a wee bit better — and realistic — for all of us grandparents, at least in terms of how brands view us, represent us.

So my question for you today is this:

In what ways do you feel marginalized, stereotyped, ignored, erroneously represented by brands, marketers and media? Feel free to be as long or as brief as you like, just please be honest and real. Feel free to offer suggestions for improvement in the area for the brands, too, if you'd like. I'll share what I can.

Thank you for your stories and suggestions and for helping me (try to) make a difference for our grandmahood (which, I'm happy to report, includes a few grandpas, too!).

36 tips for new grandparents

I've been a grandma for about five years now. I've learned much in that time, from my own experience as well as from the amazing Grilled Grandmas.

One thing I've learned for sure is that no matter how long I've been a grandma, there's always more to learn. Which means that although these tips — culled from my heart and the Grilled Grandma archives — are intended for new grandparents, there's surely one or two even the most-seasoned grandma or grandpa can put to good use.

• Be prepared to be unreasonably crazy in love. The love for a grandchild is unlike anything you’ve felt before.

• Be gentle with Mom and Dad — even when they don’t do things your way.

• Don't be afraid of acting silly.

• Give the parents all the love and support you can muster.

• Make no comparisons, good or bad, to your other grandchildren.

• When the parents drive you nuts, smile instead of screaming, as they hold the keys to baby visits.

• Have lots of pictures taken of you with them — especially if you're typically the one behind the camera.

• Be available to the parents for advice, but never give it — or your opinion — unless asked.

• And when the parents don’t put your requested advice to use, bite your tongue.

• Get extra time with baby by volunteering to change the diapers.

• Don’t expect perfection — from the child, the parents or yourself.

• Respect the wishes and rules of the parents.

• Always let your grandchildren know you love them, in whatever fashion is comfortable for you.

• Let them know you’ll always be honest with them, too, and that they can trust you.

• Kiss them every chance you get.

• Get down on the floor and play with them.

• Remember that grandchildren are not their parents. Nor are they your children.

• Be someone the parents enjoy having around... so they'll have you around often.

• Make every effort to see and be with your grandchildren so they get to know you, always know you.

• Get advice on equipment, toys and more from other grandparents and young parents.

• Leave the parenting up to the parents.

• Don't worry about material things you are unable to give.

• Visit garage sales for toys, books, and furnishings (but never, ever for car seats, bicycle helmets, or other safety equipment).

• Don’t compare yourself to other grandmothers.

• Break your bad habits now, before the grandchildren copy you.

• Establish rules for your home when the kids are visiting, but be sure to never cross parental boundaries.

• Remember you are still a parent, not just a grandparent. Your child still wants you to consider his or her interests, concerns, achievements.

• When grandchildren visit, remember there is nothing they can break that you can’t live without.

• Don't take togetherness for granted; circumstances can change in an instant.

• When you’re the caretaker, get specifics — what the child needs, what the parent wants, and what time parents will return.

• Take the time to make the time with your grandchildren memorable.

• Be yourself and give of yourself.

• Enrich your grandchild’s life with more you, less stuff.

• Practice patience.

• Be a calm, loving, and engaged presence in your grandchild’s life.

• Love, enjoy, and appreciate every single moment.

Photo: Yes, that's me with Baby Mac (who's no longer <sniff> a baby).

Today's question:

What would you add to the list?

The challenges of grandmothers

Any woman who’s been a grandmother for even a short time knows that the grandma gig comes with a few unexpected pitfalls. For me—a long-distance grandma—it’s the 815 miles between my grandsons and me.

Here, some of the responses from the Grilled Grandmas when asked, “What is the most challenging part of being a grandma?”

Remembering my place—I’m not their mom and need to respect my daughter in her role. —Robin

I can’t fit them all on my lap at one time. —Alice

For me it’s the feeling of competition to “keep up” with the other grandparents. It would be very easy for it to turn uncomfortably competitive. —Vicki

Knowing that when I visit them I will have to say goodbye. —Mary

I am concerned about the future—what kind of world we seem to be living in right now, with the economy and the politics of mean-spiritedness. Heck, I worry about those things TODAY, not just for the future. —Olga

The most challenging part for me is not giving in to their every command. For the “serious” things I stand strong. But for those little that that it really doesn’t matter, GG let’s them do/have it. —Jules

I was not a perfect parent. So when I see my children doing things I know are not perfect but will do no harm, I am quiet. I save my comments for safety issues and answers to their questions. I am older and I have seen too much, so I could be a huge black cloud. I really do not want to do that. It is a challenge, to say the least. —Barbara

Wanting to keep them from all the bad things yet knowing that it is an impossible task. —Janie

Energy! How I wish I had more energy. There are so many things I want to do with my grandchildren, but I must remind myself to be realistic about what I can do. —Kay

The most challenging part of being a grandma is remembering that your wonderful, caring child IS the parent. —Nita

Keeping it “fair” when there’s more than one around! —Joan

Working full time and not being able to go to all of their activities. —Connie

The most challenging part for me is trying to divide my time and attention between my three young children and my grandson. I feel like I’m missing out on some of the “full grandmother” experience because I’m young and have little one of my own to care for. I don’t want my grandbaby to feel cheated out of “grandma time,” too. —Kelli

Dealing with their parents! I don’t mean that in a bad way—it’s just that they all have their own parenting methods, and I have to remember about what that is for each family! —Angel

Balancing just the right amount of love and fun with discipline. —Rita

Balancing everything. I am also caring for elderly parents and there can be a lot of appointments, health needs, etc. at both ends of the age spectrum. —Kaye

For me it is learning how to just let go and have fun and play. I am still learning how to do that. —Marlene

Taking the back seat in how the children are being raised. Opinion is not always welcomed, especially since the mother is my daughter-in-law and not my daughter. —Merci

I haven't met a challenging part yet in being a grandma. —Terri

For more wisdom and wit from these and other grandmothers, check out the Grilled Grandma Archives. (Click on the months in the right sidebar there to peruse the entire archives.)

Today's question:

What do you find most challenging about being a grandmother? What has been most challenging about being a mother?

Introducing Grilled Grandma Janie

 I'd like to introduce you to Janie. Ever since meeting Janie online, I've been continually impressed and inspired by her work ethic, her writing credits, and her cheerful heart. Oh, and her hair. I do love Janie's hair! And that was all before I even knew she was a grandma. That she is, though, and today she is a grilled grandma.

What's a Grilled Grandma? A Grilled Grandma is a grandma whom I've grilled with some grandma-related questions, and she's graciously responded with answers and photos. Here is Grilled Grandma Janie:

How many children do you have? One daughter. And a step daughter and step son who both live in Michigan.
 
How many grandchildren? What are their ages? Three from my daughter  2 Boys and a girl. The baby, Enzo, is 19 months.  Joey 8 years old & Dylan is 10 years old.
Three from my step daughter - 5, 8 & 11
One from my step son - 8
 
What do your grandchildren call you? Grandma or Grams and sometimes J-Gram.

 After the initial elation, what was your first concern upon hearing you would soon be a grandmother? That my daughter's wedding dress was going to have to be altered!
Then about month before my granddaughter was born, I broke my foot and I was on crutches during her birth and for several months afterwards. What I hated the most was that I couldn't carry her around.

How often do you get to see your grandchildren? I see the ones who live near me almost every day.
 
What is the best thing about being a grandma? Being able to play with them. Having them confide in me. Tucking them in at night. And then going home. And being able to share being a "grandma" with my mother who is now a great grandmother. It's an unbelievable feeling, one that I'm so glad I get to experience.

What is the most challenging part of being a grandma? Hmm. This is hard to answer because I just love it all. I guess sometimes watching my granddaughter act with my daughter in the same rebellious way that my daughter used to act toward me.
 
Describe a recent time that one (or more) of your grandchildren made you laugh out loud. Well, the youngest has a language of his own that always makes me laugh.  My granddaughter does impressions that crack me up. And my eight-year-old grandson tells the most amazing stories about his skateboarding adventures.  
 
What is your favorite thing to do with grandchildren who visit your house? Snuggle with them on the couch and read books. I also make up stories for them and they in turn make up stories of their own.

What is your favorite thing to do when visiting grandchildren at their house? Read books and play games. They have very vivid imaginations and like to play made up games such as Dry Cleaners ( who knew such a place could inspire a game) or restaurant. And we dance and put on shows. I'm pretty exhausted when I get home.

How do you maintain the bond between yourself and your grandchildren between visits? I text my granddaughter. We talk on the phone. Sadly, I don't have as much communication with the grandchildren that live in Michigan.

What do you most want to pass along to your grandchildren? Creativity and imagination, whether it's writing or drawing or dancing. And I want them to believe in themselves and know that they can be anything they want to be. That they are the rulers of their own destiny.

What is one word you hope your grandkids think of when they think of you? Fun. But I do know they call me "Funny, unusual & funky." And I have to add that they also think of me as "Big Haired." In fact, I'm working a picture book titled "My big-haired, funky Grandma."

What has most surprised you about being a grandma? How much I love it and them.

What is one thing you wish you had learned earlier as a grandparent? I can't really think of anything.

What one bit of advice would you give a new grandma? Don't be afraid of acting silly.

Do you have a website, book or project to promote? My recent release is a book for tween girls titled MERCURY IN RETRO LOVE. It is a sweet story about crushes, conflicts and astrological confusion.

I write a weekly column for women - http://www.inthepowderroom.com/search/keyword/Janie+Emaus
My website is: www.janieemaus.com
And I blog at www.theboomerrants.com - Anatomy of Baby Boomer - Life in Retrograde

This grilling will now be permanently placed in the Grilled Grandmas Hall of Fame—AKA the Grilled Grandma Archives—under Grilled Grandma: Janie.

Dear Readers: If you'd like to nominate a grandma for grilling—yourself or any other grandma—please e-mail me her first name and e-mail address and I'll take care of the rest. Thank you!

Summer break for Grilled Grandmas

There's likely no busier time than summer, especially when it comes to spending time with the grandkids. Which is why you're not seeing right here, right now a Grilled Grandma—the weekly feature I've posted every Wednesday since introducing readers to Grilled Grandma Liz in October of 2009.

Grandmas are busy women. That became all the more crystal clear for me, a long-distance grandma who doesn't usually spend a lot of time with her grandsons, after my recent week hosting Bubby and Mac. Now I'm finding it hard to have a clear conscience about asking potential grillees to step away from their summer fun with the grandchildren to answer my questions.

So I'm not going to ask those questions anymore. At least not through the rest of the summer. It is officially summer break for the Grilled Grandmas.

That said, I do still have Grilled Grandma wit and wisdom to share. I may not do this every Wednesday in place of the Grilled Grandma feature, but at least this Wednesday—so no one suffers ill effects of going cold turkey—I'm sharing with you a small sampling of responses from the Grilled Grandmas to one of my favorite Grilled Grandma questions.

Here are those answers—with a few photos of Bubby and Mac interjected in between, simply because I took 6,726 (no joke!) during their visit and need to share those any chance I get, as well.

WHAT IS THE MOST CHALLENGING PART OF BEING A GRANDMA?

Remembering my place—I’m not their mom and need to respect my daughter in her role. —Robin

I can’t fit them all on my lap at one time. —Alice

For me it’s the feeling of competition to “keep up” with the other grandparents. It would be very easy for it to turn uncomfortably competitive. —Vicki

Knowing that when I visit them I will have to say goodbye. —Mary

I am concerned about the future—what kind of world we seem to be living in right now, with the economy and the politics of mean-spiritedness. Heck, I worry about those things TODAY, not just for the future. —Olga

The most challenging part is that four different sets of adult parents have very different ideas about child rearing. Trying to avoid stepping on toes is challenging for me. —Kimberly

The most challenging part for me is not giving in to their every command. For the “serious” things I stand strong. But for those little things that it really doesn’t matter, GG let’s them do/have it. —Jules

I was not a perfect parent. So when I see my children doing things I know are not perfect but will do no harm, I am quiet. I save my comments for safety issues and answers to their questions. I am older and I have seen too much, so I could be a huge black cloud. I really do not want to do that. It is a challenge, to say the least. —Barbara

Wanting to keep them from all the bad things yet knowing that it is an impossible task. —Janie

The most challenging part of being a grandma is remembering that your wonderful, caring child IS the parent. —Nita

Working full time and not being able to go to all of their activities. —Connie

The most challenging part for me is trying to divide my time and attention between my three young children and my grandson. I feel like I’m missing out on some of the “full grandmother” experience because I’m young and have little one of my own to care for. I don’t want my grandbaby to feel cheated out of “grandma time,” too. —Kelli

Realizing that I am not as young as I used to be...especially when I get down on the floor to play with them...and, it takes me quite a long time to get back up...as well as lots of moans and groans! —Laurie

Dealing with their parents! I don’t mean that in a bad way—it’s just that they all have their own parenting methods, and I have to remember about what that is for each family! —Angel

Balancing everything. I am also caring for elderly parents and there can be a lot of appointments, health needs, etc. at both ends of the age spectrum. —Kaye

The most challenging thing for me, is on holidays, or special occasions, showing grace and consideration for the exes and the extended family. —Linda

For me it is learning how to just let go and have fun and play. I am still learning how to do that. —Marlene

I haven't met a challenging part yet in being a grandma. —Terri

• To read more responses to this question as well as a plethora of other profundities from the experts in the grandparenting field—the grandmothers—click on over to the Grilled Grandma Archives. •

Today's question:

What is the the biggest challenge you face today in being a grandparent?

Introducing Grilled Grandma Kimberly

What is a Grilled Grandma? A Grilled Grandma is a grandma whom I've grilled with some grandma-related questions, and she's graciously responded with answers and photos. Here is Grilled Grandma Kimberly.

How many children do you have? I have three children Adam is 31 and married to Courtney and currently deployed to Afghanistan. Not quite two years later brought a set of twins. Tim is married to Gwen and Raechel is married to Michael.

How many grandchildren? What are their ages? Conner (7), Lilli (5), Elsie Gray (3), Benjamin (20 mos), Gideon (14 mos), Maren (2mos). In addition, I am very close to a niece who has four, Oliver (7), Annabelle (5), Emmeline (4) and Everett(3). We lost my sister, her mom and their Granny, just a few months back. She had been very ill for a long time, so I consider my count at 10.

What do your grandchildren call you? Gramerly (Grandma Kimberly), Grandma and Kymbi.

After the initial elation, what was your first concern upon hearing you would soon be a grandmother? From the time I knew I would not be having anymore children, I looked forward to being a grandma. It was unusual circumstances. My son was at Basic Training when my first grandchild was born. I was a little unsure of how to be involved. It turned out my grandson contracted a rare bacterial infection that landed him in Intensive Care for 3 weeks. Scary incident, but great bonding for the families.

How often do you get to see your grandchildren? Thankfully, quite often. I have a Playdate once a week where they all come and play and play. In addition I'm close enough to go to games, plays and have them over frequently.

What is the best thing about being a grandma? The best thing is all the times I can say "Yes," to whatever they want to do.

What is the most challenging part of being a grandma? The most challenging part is that four different sets of adult parents have very different ideas about child rearing. Trying to avoid stepping on toes is challenging for me.

Describe a recent time that one (or more) of your grandchildren made you laugh out loud. Laughing goes on all Playdate long, because if one isn't up to something another one surely will be.
I suppose it is one of those, "you needed to be there" moments. I have bunnies that play outside in an enclosed fence. Gideon, the 13 month old loves to be in the pen with bunnies. He walks round and round patting bunny boy bottoms and squealing and telling those bunnies some fascinating stuff. Cracks me up.

What is your favorite thing to do with grandchildren who visit your house? Wow, that's hard to say, because I am ever searching for new and interesting things to do with them. I suppose showing them how to garden, where eggs come from, and how to care for Bluebirds, as we rebuild the population here in Indiana.

What is your favorite thing to do when visiting grandchildren at their house? I don't visit them as often as they visit me. I like to let them lead and just follow and obey.

How do you maintain the bond between yourself and your grandchildren between visits? My between visits are short, but I might send them a card or an e-mail, or call to check up on a little sick one.

What do you most want to pass along to your grandchildren? My faith, all there is to notice in the big, wide world, my love of a good book, good food and good times.

What is one word you hope your grandkids think of when they think of you? Giving

What is one thing you wish you had learned earlier as a grandparent? Trust isn't a given.

What one bit of advice would you give a new grandma? Be patient, and just love, love, love each moment you have.

Do you have a website or blog? What is it about? My website is Free Ranging Chickens and Grandchildren.Basically it is a picture journal of my life as a Christian, wife, Gramerly, teacher, Gardner and Chickie Girl farmer. I hope that some folks might see how easy it can be to do fun things with the wee folk in their lives.

This grilling will now be permanently placed in the Grilled Grandmas Hall of Fame—AKA the Grilled Grandma Archives—under Grilled Grandma: Kimberly.

Dear Readers: If you'd like to nominate a grandma for grilling—yourself or any other grandma—please e-mail me her first name and e-mail address and I'll take care of the rest. Thank you!